April 27, 2024

Today was rough, in more than one way.

To begin with, it actually was a good thing. For the first time in a decade, I didn't feel particularly bad about myself or my appearance. If anything, I felt kinda cute. Now to paint the proper picture, I haven't dealt with my body hair yet, I have a fairly dark beard shadow and stubble that just refuses to get shaved with my usual razor, and no particularly feminine body parts. In other words, only a trans woman in mind and spirit. This, however, didn't matter to me. Yeah, I'm the most obviously-not-cis trans woman ever, but I didn't mind. I just felt okay being me, whatever that means moment to moment, day to day.

But then, on the other hand... By feeling okay with myself and not focusing my mental energy on my dysphoria and dissatisfaction with myself, I finally realized just how lonely I felt. Particularly, I realized just how desperately I want another trans girl in my same position/progress to share the journey with.

I want a trans girlfriend who tells me I'm beautiful even when I don't feel like it. I want a trans girlfriend to look at my face and not care about my beard shadow or my stubble because I'm beautiful for being me, and know that I look at her the same. I want a trans girlfriend to wake up next to and kiss and scratch our faces together and laugh because that's just silly. I want a trans girlfriend who go with my when I try to learn to skateboard and pick me up when I fall on my ass. I want a trans girlfriend who'll bump her shoulder against mine as we walk, me carrying my board because my dumbass is tired of trying today. I want a trans girlfriend who will smile at me because she sees me, and not just my skin. I want a trans girlfriend who will smile at me because she knows I see her the same.

But I don't have that. And for the first time in a long time, I think I realized just how lonely I feel day-to-day. And it hurts like hell.

~ Alex