March 14, 2024

Today I looked at myself and sort of forced myself to make a statement about my state of being.

"I don't have to be miserable. I don't have to wait for 'some day' when I'm allowed to be happy. I can start right now, and work toward that day."

I've struggled with depression for a long time. It runs in my family, from my mom's mom, to my mom, to me. I struggle to maintain a schedule, or form habits, or do basic things like brush my teeth in the morning or take a shower when I know I don't have to leave the house or see anyone. It's a vicious cycle of wanting to do better because I feel like crap, and feeling like crap because I can't bring myself to do better. I'm not entirely sure how to break it, but I'm starting by reaching out to friends I love and trust, and making a point of pushing myself harder to Do The Things, like taking a shower every night until it's no longer an issue, or setting reminders to wash my face, brush my hair, etc.

I've always told myself I'll do better "one day". I've told myself I'll be better "one day". "One day I'll get a new haircut." "One day I'll start HRT." "One day I'll openly transition." "One day I'll take an actual picture of myself and not delete it out of disgust." That phrase, "one day", became a sort of crutch, the assumption being that I just have to wait and I'll suddenly be better.

Recently I've been coming to terms with the fact that it's not true. It takes time, yes, but it also takes effort; I can't just sit and let it happen, I have to make it happen. And I can work every day to be a little better, and a little closer to the woman I want to be, even before I can openly transition and/or start HRT.

My hope is that by the end of the year I'll have started HRT, and likely will be experimenting with my image and public transition in new ways. In the interim, I want to do everything I can right now to make things easier on the girl who will look back on me at the end of 2024. Will she be proud of me? Will she appreciate the effort I put in? Will she realize that I made everything that she did possible, and that I'm stronger than I realize?

I hope so. I want her to see me that way.
I want to see myself that way.

~ Alex